TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have another area wherever American Adult men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer everyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he must end using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the project, replied, "You already know, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from space, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after finding the making's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting consideration from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with Trump Tower Damascus a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may even involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel wherever my PTSD might have transform-down support."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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